My teen is spinning out of control!
Mark Gregston - Guest Columnist - 10/1/2009 9:35:00 AM
There is no worse feeling than watching your child spin out of control, feeling like you can do nothing to stop the rapid descent into a full-fledged crash. It is like a pilot and co-pilot commandeering a plane in a downward death spiral. The one who is supposed to "take the wheel" (your child) can't take control, and the backup plan, the co-pilot (you), is unable to stop the deteriorating progression. Usually parents are caught somewhere between the realization of the problem and the impending crash. And they are desperately trying to determine what to do as they watch their teen spin out of control and become unmanageable.
If this is you, do you not wish that this situation wasn't at your doorstep? I would. But it is. And you have to act. You have to do something on your child's behalf. And no matter how lonely it might be, or how difficult it might appear, and no matter what the response of your child will be, you must act. And act quickly.
An out-of-control teen is one who doesn't appear to have the internal ability to function externally within and under the established boundaries and rules of a home. And the resulting behaviors, if allowed to continue, could have some dangerous or grave consequences with any attempt by family to stop the behaviors being fruitless.
Regardless of the reason behind the behavior, intervention is necessary, and a course of action will need to be taken to protect the child and deal with the issues that lead to the behavior. I'm sure that by this time, you have had plenty of conversations with your child addressing the concerns that you have, perhaps even implementing boundaries and helping your child understand consequences. If you haven't, then I suggest that you do so quickly.
If you're reading this and have a child who is currently spinning out of control, then it is pretty hard to just sit back and hear concepts without any practical suggestions while you're in the midst of your struggle. So let me give some quick guidance.
1. Do not be afraid to ask questions of yourself and your child. Most of the time, parents find out way too late about a child's behavior to be able to deal effectively with their inappropriate actions or to establish some type of consequence to remedy any future similar action. Communication is key at this time. If the lines of communication are down, then re-establish them, forcing that communication if need be. It may be that you have to require time from your child to discuss how they're doing before you pay their next car insurance bill, or before you give them gas money, or before you hand over the keys to the car. Be determined to establish the lines of communications and make sure you ask questions.
2. Know what you'll allow in your home and what you won't. I encourage families to develop a home Belief System -- a way to determine what you hold to be true and the principles upon which you will base your rules for living and the consequences for violation of those rules. Your home would then be governed by what you believe in and have agreed to, rather than shooting from the hip every time something comes up that you haven't discussed. It is a policy and procedure manual for your home. Spend some time determining how you want to live and put some feet to it to insure that all understand those boundaries.
3. There must be consequences for inappropriate behavior, without exception. As parents, we are so relational that often we are unable to do what is needed to send a strong message to our kids to "not go this way" for fear of losing a relationship with them. Sadly, most parents do not understand that most kids want direction, correction, and help moving through the transition to adulthood. Tom Landry once said, "A coach makes people do things they do not want to do so they can get to a place where they do want to be." Parents must do the same for their children.
4. There are times when a teenager might need to be placed in a therapeutic program or facility. This option should be exercised to provide your child help to get through some difficult situations, and correct their thinking and resulting behaviors. It is a "last ditch" effort when all other options and attempts at helping your child have been exhausted.
At some point, when all has failed, you are the one who will need to make some decisions about the next step. It is at that point that it really doesn't matter what your child thinks as it is evident that he/she is not thinking well -- and no one would accept their bungled assessment of the situation or their messed-up judgment anyway.
When that time comes, remember: it is not about you. This is not the time to spend mulling over where everything has gone wrong. It is not a time to shift the blame, make accusations, question motives, or withdraw and disengage from your child. It is a time for action, that if not taken will mean your child could damage his life and possibly make choices that can have grave consequences. It is not a time to spend determining if you are a failure as a parent, but it is a time to make sure that you do not fail in your attempt to help your child at a time when he or she needs you most.
Use the resources around you
Your first line of action with your out-of-control teen is to utilize the resources around you. Hopefully, this first line will ward off any further difficulty and will pull your child out of their dive. That first line might include your child's teachers, the school administration, a Sunday school teacher, other parents of kids at church, your pastor, your parents, your siblings, your friends, your Bible study group, a counseling hotline, the older couple down the street, a youth minister, a Young Life leader, just about anyone who has had contact with your child -- even his or her friends. In fact, if your teen's friends show up at your home, do not be afraid to ask them what's going on. Some won't be afraid to answer, as they might be just as concerned as well. Just make sure you ask questions, and ask people to be honest with you.
After you've had time to get counsel (hopefully from quite a few people) and you've had some time to think it through, start to put your plan into action. Perhaps your child needs to go to counseling. If you're going to trust your counselor, then TRUST them. But if you're going to pick and choose the counsel you receive, then you'll more than likely just continue to do what you want, and your child will continue to spin out of control.
Do not let old beliefs about medicine control your new decisions that have to be made for your child. If your child is depressed, ADD, hyperactive, can't sleep at night, bi-polar, overly anxious, or has a mental condition that demands medication, do not let your outdated boundaries prevent your child from getting your child help from something that is essential to their well being.
Hospitalization is needed whenever you feel like your child is a danger to himself or herself, or you feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom and need to have your child protected. Extreme cutting, bizarre behavior, extreme depression, suicidal thoughts, or excessive drug or alcohol use are just a few of the symptoms that might warrant hospitalization. Do not hesitate to hospitalize your child just because you do not know what it is. It is better to be safe than sorry.
When all else fails
If all your efforts are fruitless and you begin to see that your child is not responding to any of these "at home" interventions, then I would suggest that it is time to consider placing your teen in an alternative residential setting. No doubt, this will be one of the hardest decisions you'll ever have to make. Having a child leave home is not an easy decision, nor is it a small task. But once the decision is made, the search for the right placement can begin.
To find out more information about alternatives, I would suggest that you explore the Internet and review the materials for each program. Ask the difficult questions; and make sure you visit the campus before placing your child anywhere. Always look at a program's Board of Reference, and never place your child somewhere without talking to other parents who have placed their child with that particular program. And when requesting a list of parents to talk to, make sure that you talk to some parent's whose child continues to struggle, to those who have had success, and to some who currently have a child in the program.
Remember, if you do not act, your child will continue to spiral out of control and could possibly lose his/her life in the process. One statement I hear from kids and from their parents over and over is this: "If I (they) didn't come to Heartlight, I think I would have been dead by now." It is a harsh reality to send a child off to be cared for elsewhere. But that reality pales when you consider the possibilities or outcomes of your child's current behavior and how such behavior could ruin his or her life. What you are doing is saving your child's life, giving him or her something that can't be found in the current home setting. You are loving them in a way that perhaps you haven't loved them before. It is tough. But it is a good decision to make if it is going to save your child. Would you ever hesitate to throw a life buoy to your child if they were drowning?
It is never too early to act, but I have seen many times where it is too late.
When it's time to send your child to a program
The following checklist includes some of the behaviors that I have observed throughout the years that would reveal the possible need of to place a child outside a home and all attempts to correct the situation and/or crisis prove to be unproductive and futile.
• When your teen won't listen to reason and he is becoming increasingly disrespectful, dishonest, and disobedient and openly displays his rebellious actions.
• When there is physical contact or threats of engaging in physical harm.
• When your child has picked up a habit that has engulfed him or her.
• When your child is displaying behavior that is a marked change from what has been normal (sleeping longer, forgetfulness, lack of motivation, depression, hating what they once loved and loving what they once hated).
• When there is blatant ignoring or profound rebellion towards your boundaries, Belief System, or rules of the home. This can be shown in passive aggressiveness or open defiance.
• When your child is becoming verbally aggressive and extremely disrespectful to the extent that you feel a sense of fear in your discussions or arguments with your teen.
• When your teen is depressed to the point that there is an inability to function within normal requests at home.
• When your child has no conscience about his or her actions, the consequences, or the affect on themselves or other family members.
• When suicidal thoughts and comments have entered your child's thinking process and there are threats as such.
• When treatment of people, things, pets, belongings, or positions, are threatening, overly unruly, or out of control.
• When disrespect moves to a complete disregard for anything that you as a parent have to say and your child's resulting behaviors put him or her in danger or at high risk.
• When post-traumatic behaviors of drinking, drugging, acting out, or sexually promiscuity are present.
• When your teen thinks he or she is the center of your family, and their continued disregard for others in the family is causing strife, sleepless nights, is degrading to other siblings, or actions are spinning out of control at such a pace that you can't get hold of the spiral to stop it.
This checklist is not exhaustive, but one that is a reflection of reasons why parents have placed teens with us through the years. These seem to be the common denominators for most decisions to place a child outside the home for help. This is not a checklist that infers that when your child scores 100 on this test that they get to leave the home. Any one of these behaviors could indicate that it is time for your child to change -- either by the way that they respond to you at home, or the determination of where they will temporarily live while they will learn to live in a way that might just save their life.
Some final thoughts
Be prepared. Do not lie. Stand firm. Some good wisdom for those preparing to battle for the life of their child. Love is sometimes tough. And your efforts to save the life of your child will never be forgotten.
Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, national radio host, and the founder of Heartlight, a residential therapeutic program for adolescents that counsels and mentors up to 50 struggling teenagers for a 9- to 12-month period of time. This column is printed with permission.
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